DATING EPITHETS 1 & 2

Seemingly innocent words that insidiously convey so much added meaning and may cloud judgment

DATING EPITHET #1: “Settling” - something negative

Often the frustrated dater complains, I would rather be alone than “settle.” Settling has at least six different meanings:

1. a geological artifact of the fluid properties of soil finding its lowest level

2. the result of a litigation where neither party gets everything they want

3. sediment landing in the bottom of a beaker or holding tank

4. colonization

5. getting into a relationship with someone you think isn't good enough for you

6. an ambiguous metaphorical term that denigrates the reality of interpersonal connections that are necessarily less than total fusion, leading to doubt of the other and self and undermining the possibility of relationship longevity

Humour aside, what is the frustrated dater talking about? The correct answer is 6, but this seemingly simply term has crept into the vernacular to mean 5. If you are in a relationship with someone you think isn't good enough for you, the problem of the relationship is externalized; the deficiency is in them, not you. This is not only self-exculpatory; it objectifies the other (and the self). And in this mindset, even good enough is not good enough. The premise sounds innocent enough: if one accepts anything less than perfection, one is settling. However, believing in the existence of The ONE or my Soul Mate, or that I must have the total package are all variants of a perfectionism that covers up possible self-esteem problems and a lack of self-confidence to be in relationships of all kinds. The logic is that if the other person is perfect for me, none of my imperfections will matter.

"Settling" is a "problem" only for those who are not comfortable enough with connection to be drawn to forming long term affectional bonds that will survive. Some fear "settling" in any form, being used to chaos and uncertainty. Their formative family relationships may have felt like by being tossed around in the roaring ocean, leaving them with an unease around and distrust of settled waters. Long term relationship seeking is replaced by hunting for sex and "chemistry" is the operative litmus test of connection.

DATING EPITHET #2: “Chemistry” - something seemingly positive

So what is chemistry? Lust, feeling connected? Chemistry is an intangible connection, or (sometimes a one-sided, unreciprocated) strong desire for attachment. Although one might expect lovers to be overflowing with reasons why their lover is right for them, and any onlooker would see evidence for their enthusiasm, there are sometimes no ready explanations for this powerful feeling. The gravitational attraction of some lovers that makes no sense to anyone, perhaps even to themselves, results from underlying psychological processes:

1. Desperation so strong to find connection that you see what you want to see in the other and miss who the other actually is.

2. Aspiration (no, not a French vacuum cleaner). I so want this person to be perfect that I will see only confirmatory evidence. The other is the saviour of one’s life. I am nothing without you.

3. Projection: 1. above is a version of this, but it can go further, taking the form of reacting to their partner as if the partner are identical to someone well known to them (e.g., a parent), but in fact the partner is alike in only few possibly superficial ways. The partner is a surrogate for the familiar other with whom there may some unfinished business, and as such, the partner is largely psychologically unseen by the projecting lover. If the partner is of an agreeable nature, they may begin to respond in ways the projecting partner appears to expect, leading to a growing sense of the partner projected onto of not being themselves in the relationship.

4. Curiosity: novelty takes the place of screening, and exploration, of connection. Next!! This is the addiction to eroticism taking the place of the desire for connection.

5. Revenge / Spite: Anyone hot is better than the one I’m with now.

6. Identification: seeking validation in a very similar other

7. Incorporation/colonization: seeking completion through a partner who has what one believes one lacks such as youth, beauty, money, influence, belonging.

All of these emotional states are potentially passionate, but none are likely to result in a successful, enduring relationship. Chemistry may be necessary, but it is not sufficient for an enduring connection. In searching for it, we may come to fool ourselves into thinking that it’s the only thing that matters, like winning being more important than the goal of a long-lasting, cherishing and intimate relationship.

 

WHAT CAN LIFE, RELATIONSHIP OR VOCATIONAL COACHING DO FOR ME?

 

As David Steele, founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute, says "It doesn't matter where you've been. What matters where you are going, and how you get there.  That's coaching in a nut shell.  Coaching is essentially about functioning."  Coaching is not about healing or insight or understanding, although that may take place along the way.  (David Steele, 2005)

 The coach is not the expert who gives advice.  Rather the coach is there to help the client create focus and maintain focus, helping the client to stretch beyond their self-imposed limits by identifying and challenging those limits.

 The COACHING TRIAD

1.      Attitude precedes outcome.  It is about what you believe you can achieve.  Behaviour and outcome follow attitude.  If you think you are powerless, you are far less likely to try.

2.      Skills are necessary to achieve success. Skills are learnable and teachable.  Your coach can facilitate client's skills acquisition by pointing you in the direction of resources.

3.      Choices:  clients often have more choices available to them than they may realize, and choices have outcomes.   However, clients must also take responsibility for their choices.

 Coaching is not educating, not consulting (consultants give specific advice).  Your coach facilitates the accomplishment of your goals by helping you identify what you truly want, the steps to get it, and supporting and keeping you on track through the process.

"I NEED A BOYFRIEND! DO YOU?

Maybe Byron Katie will change your mind:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOLz8u7Utg0

THE FANATICAL LOVER

I know he's the one! We're so good together!! 

Why isn't he jumping at the chance to marry me?!

Impatience imperils many a budding relationship when one partner "blows it" with a potentially suitable partner by not recognizing the impact of his/her intensity on the other. Coming on too strong, getting ahead of your partner –like talking about your future life together on the first date –totally removes romance, fun and freedom, making the other feel claustrophobic and at risk of being trapped. Even though your intuition about a great future together may be correct, what is needed in the dating moment is pacing: matching the readiness of your partner to move forward. Relationships take two. If you have the relationship all on your own in your head, your partner is left out.

To illustrate,, we reprint with permission from the author the following Q&A published by Toronto Star advice columnist, Ellie.

 “After six weeks of dating, he’s not ready to commit!”

Q: I’m 36, female, never married, no kids. I met a man via a dating site and we hit it off. He’s a few years younger, in the process of getting a divorce, has two young kids, a job that takes him away for weeks on end, plus he lives more than an hour away.

After six weeks of dating, he was called away for work on short notice and wasn’t able to let me know. After days of not hearing from him, I sent him a few texts that he took offense to. I had an ex who’d just disappear — hence my trust issues.

However, we decided to keep seeing each other. But since his return, things are different. We used to talk or text every day. Now I’m hearing from him less.

Because of different work schedules, I expect that my weekends off will be our time together. But when my weekend off arrived and he didn’t mention getting together, I was upset. I sent him text messages explaining how I felt and haven’t heard back in two weeks.

I’ve been upfront and honest from the beginning, saying what I’m looking for at this point in my life. He said he wanted the same.

I believe there’s no such thing as being too busy to send a quick text if you’re really into someone.

Hurt and Disappointed

A: It’s one thing to say you’re “wanting” a relationship, but it’s pushy to expect it within six weeks. The process of divorce and the need to stay connected to his young kids means he’s got other commitments besides a very early interest in you. However, your messages showed a lack of recognition of his needs. Sure, he could’ve taken a moment to text you back, but I suspect he’d already decided you were more demanding than he can handle at this time.

Reproduced with permission, Ellie, The Toronto Star, Monday, December 12, 2011.

THE 14 DATING TRAPS

A “dating trap” is an unconscious relationship choice that results in an unsolvable problem in a relationship. Getting out of the trap often means leaving the relationship. When you are single, you can do a lot more than you realize to avoid these traps and prepare for a lasting and successful relationship.

1. Marketing Trap

You believe that you need to make yourself more appealing to attract and ‘sell’ yourself with an attractive packaging and presentation. When you fall into the Marketing Trap, you fear that nobody wants you as you really are. By marketing’ yourself, you risk disappointment and relationship failure. So when the excitement and promise of the ‘sizzle’ conflicts with the reality of the ‘steak’, one or both of you are left feeling disappointed and angry.

Solution: 

Authenticity. You will attract compatible people when you show them who you really are: “Birds of a feather flock together.” Just be yourself. Don’t present a fake you.

2. Packaging Trap

You focus on outside packaging – such as someone’s body, looks, job, wealth, material possessions and overlook the reality of the person inside. The Packaging Trap is the opposite of the Marketing Trap: instead of seeking to sell yourself with attractive packaging, you focus on the packaging of others.

Solution: 

Look beyond the outside packaging to areas of real compatibility. This doesn’t mean you should forget about chemistry, but put it into perspective, understanding it is only one element of what you require in a successful relationship.

3. Scarcity Trap

You believe there is a limited supply of possible partners, and therefore think that you have to take what you can get or be alone. The Scarcity Trap results in relationship failure because there is a temptation to settle for less: you believe you can’t get what you really want because there is not enough to go around. Unfortunately it is a self-fulfilling prophecy because when you expect less, you get less. As well, you will always be on the look-out for someone ‘better’- just in case.

Solution:

Define your first choice of what you really want and persevere. Trust that if you apply yourself you can get what you really want in your life. You must be able to say “No” to what you DON’T want, to be available to say “Yes” to what you DO want. You have the power to choose who, what, where, when, and how, and can get what you really want if you make effective choices aligned with your Vision and Requirements.

4. Compatibility Trap

Assuming that if you have fun together and get along well, you are compatible and a committed relationship will work. This results in relationship failure when discovering the vast difference between a fun-focused, recreational dating relationship and a serious, long-term committed relationship. The process and criteria for choosing a recreational relationship needs to be very different from choosing a Life Partner.

Solution:

When you are ready for a Life Partnership, define your Requirements and use them to scout, sort, screen and test potential partners. Do not try to convert a recreational relationship into a committed one, unless 100% of your Requirements are met.

5. Fairytale Trap

Passively expecting your ideal partner to magically appear and live happily ever after without effort on your part. Believing that finding your soul mate will just “happen.” This results in disappointment when the frogs that happen to jump into your life don’t become princes/ses.

Solution:

Take personal responsibility for your relationship choices and outcomes. Have effective scouting, sorting, and screening strategies. Initiate contact and be the “Chooser,” don’t simply react to people that choose you.

6. Date –To – Mate Trap

Becoming an ‘instant couple’ as if giving each person you date an extended test drive. Believing that if you develop an exclusive relationship with someone you are dating, a successful committed relationship will eventually happen. Other terms for this are ‘Serial Monogamy” and the ‘Mini-Marriage’. This approach is a costly use of time and emotional Energy. The inertia in this trap is pressure to make the relationship work, attempt to resolve unsolvable problems, and fit a square peg in a round hole because breaking up and being single again is an undesired outcome.

Solution:

Date a variety of people and have fun without being exclusive. When you are ready for a committed relationship define your Requirements and use them as tools to scout, sort, and screen potential partners. Make a careful relationship choice and consciously use a “pre-commitment” period to determine if this is the right relationship for you.

7. Attraction Trap

Making relationship choices based on feelings of attraction. Interpreting a strong physical attraction to someone as a sign that the relationship is a good choice and ‘meant to be’. This approach results in relationship failure when unsolvable problems surface because you ignored the red flags while infatuated. Unconscious choices usually result in repeating unproductive past patterns. Attraction is like the radar that helps you find your target. But the Attraction Trap occurs when you blindly follow this radar.

Solution:

Balance your attractions by defining your Requirements and use them to scout, sort, and screen potential partners.

“Choose your life’s mate carefully. From this one decision will come ninety percent of your happiness or misery.” (H. Jackson Brown, Jr. from “Life’s Little Instruction Book”).

8. Love Trap

Interpreting infatuation, attraction, need, good sex, and/or attachment as love. “If it feels good, it must be love,” “Love conquers all,” “All you need is love.” You feel so in love that you believe it must be a good relationship. After the initial infatuation is gone, you spend the rest of your time together just trying to get it back.

Solution:

Make conscious relationship choices by defining your Requirements and use them to scout, sort, and screen potential partners.

9. Sex Trap

Focusing on the chemistry under the covers by interpreting sex as love; using sex as a kind of compatibility test (if the sex is good then the relationship will be good as well); or becoming emotionally attached and considering yourself in a kind of committed relationship as soon as you have sex.

Solution:

Make conscious relationship choices by defining your Requirements and use them to scout, sort, and screen potential partners. Understand that a relationship needs more than great sex to thrive.

10. Rescue Trap

Hoping a relationship will solve your emotional and financial difficulties and bring you happiness and fulfillment, something like winning the lottery. You avoid taking responsibility for your life challenges, expecting to be rescued from them. Results in desperation, neediness, and relationship failure when your problems multiply instead of disappear.

Solution:

Define your Vision for your life and relationship and “Live your Vision” as a successful single person. Resolve emotional, financial, and other problems prior to seeking a lasting committed relationship. Seek to be in a position of “choice” and “want” rather than need.”

11. Co-Dependant Trap

You expect someone to love you and give you what you want by giving the other person what he/she wants. You attempt to earn love and happiness by acquiescing, giving, and helping. You really want to be in a relationship. You feel that you are not worthy as you are, and need to earn love. You pursue relationships hard because you feel incomplete when you’re not in one. You want to be the hero and therefore seek someone who wants to be helped. But you learn the hard way that although it feels good to be needed, someone who needs you is not necessarily able to give you

what you need. Needing to be needed often results in unconsciously attracting and choosing a relationship with a person who needs you – but as you later discover is unable to give you what you want or need.

Solution:

Define your Vision and Requirements and choose a closely aligned partner. Learn to be assertive, identify and ask for what you want and need, identify and assert boundaries, and develop the ability to say “No.” Be the “Chooser” and cautious of people that choose you!

12. Entitlement Trap

Believing that you deserve to be happy and get what you want in your life without effort or changes on your part. Results in relationship failure as you rely on your partner to bring you happiness and fulfillment. This inevitably results in disappointment. If you continue to do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get the same results.

Solution:

Take personal responsibility for your life and relationship. Define your Vision and Life Purpose and live them when single.

13. Virtual Reality Trap

Believing that what you see is what you get. Making hasty long-term relationship decisions based on short-term impressions and inferences instead of actual experience and knowledge. Getting involved in a relationship focusing on potential, hoping that some things that you really need to happen will get better or change over time. Results in seeing what you want to see. Relationship failure results when later reality doesn’t match.

Solution:

Assume “you don’t know what you don’t know” and stay in a “pre-committed” stage until you have solid experience and knowledge that this is the right relationship for you. Finding a life partner is not a race – it is a journey. Don’t rush to win the booby prize!

14. Lone Ranger Trap

You live your single life focused on your goal of finding your life partner, believing that you don’t need anyone else in your life. You evaluate people you meet for their relationship potential only and do not take the opportunity to cultivate new friends. Results in isolation, perception of scarcity of potential partners and risk of settling for less than what you really want because you don’t want to be alone.

Solution:

Develop a support network/community of friends of both genders and be supportable by enrolling them to scout for you.

© Copyright by Relationship Coaching Institute, Used With Permission

COMMON DATING MISTAKES

COMMON DATING MISTAKES

Note:  in all of this, the “he” could be a “she.”  Make appropriate sustitutions.

1.         “I'll know him when I see him”   Not being clear on what you are looking for in a partner leaves you open to 4 TRAPS:

·       caving into the pressure of the dating situation because you haven't prepared yourself to recognize and hold out for someone who is right for you.   This often takes the form of leading with sex which raises the stakes for everything after.   Sex too soon can even cause you to break off with someone who might in fact be right for you because one or both you get scared.

·       intertia:  making a decision to continue seeing someone just because you have been seeing them (drifting along till a crisis hits).

·       over-valuing specific characteristics that may not really be the ones that are most important to your happiness and the long-term success of the relationship—for example, he’s a hunk

·       compromising and overlooking incompatibilities, irritants and problems – “we’ll work it out”

2.  The flip of 1.:  “I don't know why I'm dumping him, but something's not right”   This is usually preceded by a period of not talking about what is not right.  Many people have a natural inclination is to avoid confrontation, but doing so makes the eventual confrontation worse and something that might have been worked out becomes an irreconcilable difference.

3.         Every man you date is THE ONE!    If we Date to Mate, people who might be perfectly good friends or acquaintances are overlooked because we are focused on the Ultimate.   This is desperation. And to be on the receiving end of it feels overwhelming and off-putting.  Nobody is going to be comfortable dating someone on the hunt to bag them for life.  “I don't know your name yet, but will you marry me?”   Not only is this a turn off for the other person, but it denies you the chance to determine whether YOU really want to be with this person.  Logically, how can every man you meet be THE ONE?   There are more people out there not right for you than right for you. You owe it to yourself to be sure before you put someone on such a pedestal.   And what about THE ONE part?   Why just one person who is right for you.   This is a variant of "the one and only," 'the soul mate" idea.  There are many people out there compatible with you in various ways and your relationship with each one of them would be different.  If there weren't numerous compatible partners for each one of us, no one would ever be able to find a new partner when a relationship breaks up—but most do.  There is no single ONE out there for you.  There are many.  And every one of those compatible partners will take time to get to know so that you are both sure you are compatible. 

So do yourself a favour and let go of the desperation.  If you rush things, you may end up with someone you don't want, someone who will be trouble to get out of your life and cost you time away from dating more eligible/suitable/compatible partners.

3.         “He's my type!”   He may be, but what else is he?  Are you going to find out?   Do you know what you are looking for?  Or are you bedazzled by the package alone.

4.         Not realizing the dating is only an early stage of relationship building.  A steady date, does not mean you are in a relationship or that you are "a couple."   Dating is for sorting and screening potential partners and later for finding out more about them once the basics seem OK.   Dating is fun and can be romantic.   But it is not about how you might make life decisions together or about cooperating as a couple beyond leisure time.  After dating for a while, you and your partner may decide to be exclusive which may mean not dating anyone else and might extend to sexual exclusivity.  But deciding to be exclusive with one another is not the same as commitment.  You may be exclusive but you are still pre-committed.  Commitment has many additional markers beyond exclusivity.  Many a misunderstanding has arisen over when there is a relationship, a couple unit, exclusivity and commitment because we do not keep these ideas separate in our thinking, and we may not discuss them with our partner.

5.         Seeing only what you project onto your date, not who he is.  Are you so busy looking for what you want to find that you don’t see who he is?  Expectations can control perception.  But later his behaviour may be so disparate from your expectations that you wake up to reality.  Why not wake up now?

6.                  Dating to recreate the comfort of old patterns from previous relationships, even if they were unhealthy and unhappy.  The best relationship for you may not the old shoe.  The old shoe was chewed by the dog and has a hole in it.  Think better, not familiar.

7.                  Thinking of your intimate connections as casual.  Intimate is scary, right?  So we keep the scary factor down by devaluing what we are doing.  It’s not the “big night,” it’s just “hanging out.”  By minimizing the importance to ourselves of our new connections in order to protect ourselves from the pain of a rejection or failure, we shield ourselves from being real to our date and ourselves.  In a way, we don’t treat our date with respect, worse –if you think about it -- we treat the other as an object, a disposable object.  If the arrangement is mutual, a hook-up only, both parties are treating each other as less than whole persons.  If you want more, you have to risk more emotionally.

8.                  Thinking that there are no consequences for you when you are the "dumper."   We often hear, "...dumping someone is just part of the game.  It's his/her problem to deal with it."   There are consequences to dumping someone --for both of you.  The relationship being ended was created by both of you; both of you deserve a role in finishing it.   The "dumper" has a role to play in ending the relationship in a civil way that gives the "dumpee" some closure.  A text message is not suffiecient, nor is suddenly going cold or hiding.   When the dumper treats the other with duplicity or disrespect, the ability to be authentic with other future dates is undermined.   Eventually this leads to cynicism and manipulativeness.