I know he's the one! We're so good together!!
Why isn't he jumping at the chance to marry me?!
Impatience imperils many a budding relationship when one partner "blows it" with a potentially suitable partner by not recognizing the impact of his/her intensity on the other. Coming on too strong, getting ahead of your partner –like talking about your future life together on the first date –totally removes romance, fun and freedom, making the other feel claustrophobic and at risk of being trapped. Even though your intuition about a great future together may be correct, what is needed in the dating moment is pacing: matching the readiness of your partner to move forward. Relationships take two. If you have the relationship all on your own in your head, your partner is left out.
To illustrate,, we reprint with permission from the author the following Q&A published by Toronto Star advice columnist, Ellie.
“After six weeks of dating, he’s not ready to commit!”
Q: I’m 36, female, never married, no kids. I met a man via a dating site and we hit it off. He’s a few years younger, in the process of getting a divorce, has two young kids, a job that takes him away for weeks on end, plus he lives more than an hour away.
After six weeks of dating, he was called away for work on short notice and wasn’t able to let me know. After days of not hearing from him, I sent him a few texts that he took offense to. I had an ex who’d just disappear — hence my trust issues.
However, we decided to keep seeing each other. But since his return, things are different. We used to talk or text every day. Now I’m hearing from him less.
Because of different work schedules, I expect that my weekends off will be our time together. But when my weekend off arrived and he didn’t mention getting together, I was upset. I sent him text messages explaining how I felt and haven’t heard back in two weeks.
I’ve been upfront and honest from the beginning, saying what I’m looking for at this point in my life. He said he wanted the same.
I believe there’s no such thing as being too busy to send a quick text if you’re really into someone.
Hurt and Disappointed
A: It’s one thing to say you’re “wanting” a relationship, but it’s pushy to expect it within six weeks. The process of divorce and the need to stay connected to his young kids means he’s got other commitments besides a very early interest in you. However, your messages showed a lack of recognition of his needs. Sure, he could’ve taken a moment to text you back, but I suspect he’d already decided you were more demanding than he can handle at this time.
Reproduced with permission, Ellie, The Toronto Star, Monday, December 12, 2011.